So lonely I’ve ‘planned a way out’?

Question by Katya: So lonely I’ve ‘planned a way out’?
Hi,

I’m twenty-two years old and turn twenty-three in a few month. My parents are dead and I have no siblings. I have no extended relatives. I’ve been in foster care since adolescence. In high school my friends abandoned me because I could not be around pot. In the town I grew up in- everyone smokes pot as bonding. That’s not an exaggeration- everyone. So the people I made bonds with in high school just sort of distanced themselves from me. I’ve had a few romantic relationship and I am not a virgin but obviously, since I am writing this, none of them worked out.

I’ve tried online dating. I’ve gone above an beyond to try to meet and date people and they’ve turn out to be major disappointments (cheating, telling huge lies, drugs). I’ve been on all dating sites.

I have been deprived major connections that are usually available in someones life and it has caused huge effects. I truly believe now that this could go on indefinitely. I am losing the hope I had as a teenager. I *still* have no one to talk intimately, freely and openly about things. I blows my mind. I have no one to laugh with and to hold.

I’ve ‘joined clubs’ and nothing lasting ever resulted. People are wrapped up in the interpersonal networks they’ve already formed. I’ve been to college and all my room mates did was smoke pot and thought I was weird because I didn’t like to party. I dated a guy that did not have good intentions for distraction. I got really hurt and became super sad. I dropped out and went back to my home town.

I work at a grocery store as a cashier. I just work and go home and sit in a chair and sob. I’ve been around the ‘mental health system’ since a child and no they have nothing to offer me. They can offer me SRRIs, which I’ve already been on and are basically just placebos only you get side effects too. I’m also deeply distrustful because I believe that being put on Ritalin as a child was mistreatment. I was being abused and could not focus or function so that was their so called ‘solution’. Life seems endlessly sad and pathetic. When I go to talk therapy it’s okay but it’s not ‘real’ human contact. It’s paid and they usually just start talking about psychpharmacology anyway because honestly, they don’t know what else to do.

I feel completely sick and have huge psych-ache. I can barely hold down my job. I’ve decided that if I do commit suicide to use ‘peaceful hypoxic death’ method. It’s a very effective method, not painful and not dangerous to other people.People do not understand that being deprived of love is like being deprived of food. I feel completely tortured and damaged beyond repair.

I’m wondering if anyone has some ideas on what else I could do besides ‘seek professional help’ (I’ve been around professional help my whole life- they might have help for people who buy into the chemical imbalance theory but don’t have the solutions for me.) or the vague and cruel suggestion ‘join a club or volunteer’!. I have. I can’t take it anymore. I need human connection and love and feel like I am suffocating. Any advice other than the latter would be really appreciate.

Best answer:

Answer by DoubleVie
yes take the easy way out

Answer by Zachariah Frick
I could go on a long speal of things but instead i shall simply do this. Email me we can talk things over. i’ve gone through things like that to the point of trying but was rushed to the hospital before i actually died. I know how you feel so just email me at [email protected] and we can chat a little if you want. i’d really like to talk to you a little

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